Background Check

Tina’s “Momma’s Boy”

Rating: low

I went on a date with Momma’s Boy last week, and I started a post about it, but was having a hard time finishing it.  I realized that in order for you (the reader) to fully appreciate the absurdity of this date, you needed to know the back story to Momma’s Boy.  So this is it:

I met Momma’s Boy about a year and a half ago at a house party.  He was bold and just walked right up to me and started talking.  I thought he was cute, we hit it off.  After some conversation, we figure out that I know his mom.  In fact, she’s someone I worked with through my old job and I’d just had lunch with her a week or two before.

Then things started getting weird.  He got all awkward and uncomfortable.  He then CALLS HIS MOM at 11:30 at night to tell her that he met me (all of this is right in front of me) and they proceed to talk about how I remind both of them of his ex.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  [May I just say, this kind of hilarious/unbelievably awkward stuff happens to Tina ALL THE TIME!  I could seek out random/uncomfortable situations for the rest of my life and STILL never catch up to her in the crazy story department.] We exchanged contact info and talked a little bit thereafter, but things were very obviously strange between us and it fell flat quickly.

Fast forward to New Years of this year.  We wind up at the same party.  We’re drunk, we’re both there alone … we wind up making out in a movie theater in this guy’s house we were at.  I live in LA, it’s not that uncommon for people to have movie theaters in their ridiculous houses. [LOL, also not uncommon for Tina to find them and make out in them ;-)]

We go out on a “real” date the next day [Because in this day and age, drunken making out is always a good way to get to know someone BEFORE the date, lol!], have a great time, get extraordinarily drunk and wind up back at his MOM’s HOUSE aka, the woman I know through work.  Once again, A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  We have sex there [clearly it wasn’t awkward enough to keep that from happening] and he will not take his shirt off.  Ok, fine, I’m thinking this has something to do with not being comfortable there.

I try having sex with him a couple more times [wait, did you TRY to have sex, or did you actually succeed in having sex?], still would NOT take his shirt off.  Apparently he has this complex where he thinks he’s fat.  He’s not.  At all.  Just as a general note to all the guys out there: whether you’re fat, skinny, hairy, whatever, there is NOTHING more unattractive than a guy who is so insecure that he won’t take his shirt off during sex.  NOTHING.  Period.  I said it. [And I second that…NOTHING is less sexy than insecurity.  It goes back to our basic instincts: men are supposed to be the alpha in bed.  They are supposed to ravage us and take charge.  That is sexy.  Being a pansy and worrying about having lovehandles or constantly asking for direction cause they don’t know what to do and can’t take charge?  TURN-OFF!!!! Am I right girls?]

Needless to say, things died off pretty quickly.  Until recently … tales of our latest date to follow …

The Co-Worker

Tina’s “Mr. Naughty”

Rating: Undecided [Gina here…I am decided on this douche.  He’s a LOW. Tough love, Tina, tough love.]

So, who hasn’t hooked up with a co-worker?  Let me tell you … NO ONE.  Unless of course you’re the unibomber or have lived on a deserted island your entire life.

I first made the mistake of hooking up with a co-worker when I was 17.  I swore, never again.  Now, many, many years later, I have fallen into this dangerous trap once again.  Was it worth it?  Hmm … let’s evaluate.

First, some background.  Mr. Naughty and I first got together about a month before I left the company.  That was actually one of his lines … “Come on baby, you’re leaving this place anyways, who cares?”  I fell for it, hook, line and sinker along with several other equally bad lines he used on me. [Was one of them the good ol’ fashioned quality line, “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.”  He just seems like that kind of classy guy 😉 Again, tough love here, tough love.]

The first night – INCREDIBLE.  Quite possibly the best sex I’ve ever had.  I honestly was not expecting this whole scenario to go beyond a single night.  But after that encounter, I was hooked.  Over the course of several months, I eventually started to develop feelings for Mr. Naughty, because he gave me just enough of what I wanted [READ – incredible sex], but not enough of what I really NEEDED [returned phone calls and texts?]

I then come to find out that there are at least 2 other women AT THE SAME COMPANY that he either has or still is hooking up with.  WTF?  [I repeat – DOUCHE.]  Also find out that his whole M.O. is swooping in on girls after they’ve gone through a break-up by using the EXACT same story about an awful ex to “relate” to them as a way to get in their pants.  Some fall for it, some don’t.  I did, sadly.

So where are we now?  I, like most women, think I can change him.  Despite ALL the evidence to the contrary, I’m set on the notion that I can turn this playboy into a husband (well maybe not a husband, I’m not quite THAT interested) but you get what I mean. [Sex slave?]

Moral of the story – whether you’re 17, 26, 32, 45 or any age, the co-worker is a very dangerous notion.  So for now, Mr. Naughty remains undecided even though there have been some definite HIGHs and many, many lows.

More tales of Mr. Naughty, to be continued … [Perhaps you’ll share with us how he earned the name, Mr. Naughty??]

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