Background Check

Tina’s “Momma’s Boy”

Rating: low

I went on a date with Momma’s Boy last week, and I started a post about it, but was having a hard time finishing it.  I realized that in order for you (the reader) to fully appreciate the absurdity of this date, you needed to know the back story to Momma’s Boy.  So this is it:

I met Momma’s Boy about a year and a half ago at a house party.  He was bold and just walked right up to me and started talking.  I thought he was cute, we hit it off.  After some conversation, we figure out that I know his mom.  In fact, she’s someone I worked with through my old job and I’d just had lunch with her a week or two before.

Then things started getting weird.  He got all awkward and uncomfortable.  He then CALLS HIS MOM at 11:30 at night to tell her that he met me (all of this is right in front of me) and they proceed to talk about how I remind both of them of his ex.  A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  [May I just say, this kind of hilarious/unbelievably awkward stuff happens to Tina ALL THE TIME!  I could seek out random/uncomfortable situations for the rest of my life and STILL never catch up to her in the crazy story department.] We exchanged contact info and talked a little bit thereafter, but things were very obviously strange between us and it fell flat quickly.

Fast forward to New Years of this year.  We wind up at the same party.  We’re drunk, we’re both there alone … we wind up making out in a movie theater in this guy’s house we were at.  I live in LA, it’s not that uncommon for people to have movie theaters in their ridiculous houses. [LOL, also not uncommon for Tina to find them and make out in them ;-)]

We go out on a “real” date the next day [Because in this day and age, drunken making out is always a good way to get to know someone BEFORE the date, lol!], have a great time, get extraordinarily drunk and wind up back at his MOM’s HOUSE aka, the woman I know through work.  Once again, A-W-K-W-A-R-D.  We have sex there [clearly it wasn’t awkward enough to keep that from happening] and he will not take his shirt off.  Ok, fine, I’m thinking this has something to do with not being comfortable there.

I try having sex with him a couple more times [wait, did you TRY to have sex, or did you actually succeed in having sex?], still would NOT take his shirt off.  Apparently he has this complex where he thinks he’s fat.  He’s not.  At all.  Just as a general note to all the guys out there: whether you’re fat, skinny, hairy, whatever, there is NOTHING more unattractive than a guy who is so insecure that he won’t take his shirt off during sex.  NOTHING.  Period.  I said it. [And I second that…NOTHING is less sexy than insecurity.  It goes back to our basic instincts: men are supposed to be the alpha in bed.  They are supposed to ravage us and take charge.  That is sexy.  Being a pansy and worrying about having lovehandles or constantly asking for direction cause they don’t know what to do and can’t take charge?  TURN-OFF!!!! Am I right girls?]

Needless to say, things died off pretty quickly.  Until recently … tales of our latest date to follow …

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Seriously, what’s up Doc?

Gina’s Attempt at the “Perfect on Paper” Guy

Rating: PG…no, G…well whatever childlike rating it is, it’s definitely a LOW (maturity level, that is)

Perhaps it’s too much to ask that as I tread slowly through the last year of my 20’s I would FINALLY be dealing with guys of a higher maturity level.  I mean, I know everyone says that guys are an average of 5 years behind girls in maturity, but I’m beginning to think the deck is stacked against me. [Tina here: I can assure you, it’s not just you … hence this blog :)]

Case in point … Perfect on Paper.  To all my Sex & the City fans out there – I have found the real Dr. Trey MacDougal.  To those not inclined to watch this fabulous TV show (yes, I agree the movies are total shit, but the TV show cannot be denied), the “Perfect on Paper” guy is everything a girl is “supposed” to want – rich, good-looking, successful, outgoing, and actually single.  This one’s a doctor completing his residency at a prominent NYC hospital.  He’s well-dressed, funny, gets along with my friends, comes from a good family, and shockingly is single – without any hidden girlfriends, wives, or baby mammas [that you know of].  I may have found the single gal’s holy grail. 

So what’s the problem you ask? He has the communication skills of a 12 year-old boy…if that.  [A slight tangent – if I may – but text messaging is the WORST thing to happen to dating EVER!  Great for “thinking of you” messages in a relationship, but until that point it just creates a giant clusterfuck of miscommunication and misunderstood tones.]  I can’t figure out if he’s trying to “play cool” or if he’s just completely awkward [he’s just awkward in my opinion].  Example – Perfect on Paper text: “Hey, you free tomorrow?”  My text: “Yeah, my plans just fell through so I’m totally free.”  Perfect on Paper text: “What did you have planned?”  My text: “Drinks with a girlfriend but she’s sick.”  NO RESPONSE [CLASSIC].  Ummmm….why ask me if I’m free if you have no intention of following up with a date request!! 

While Gina paints Perfect on Paper as quite possibly the holy grail, I feel the need to tell the real version of this story.  We went to high school with this guy.  We graduated in a class of less than 100 kids, and it was small town mentality/life all the way.  We’ve both dated guys in our adulthood from said school, (which turned out TERRIBLY for both of us) who shared the EXACT same name as this guy (and I very firmly believe that names influence personalities) and yet Gina is shocked that this guy is still a loser, so-to-speak.  He was a total odd duckling in high school, and unless he’s done a complete 180 since then, he’s probably still just an odd duck.

Seriously, what’s up Doc??

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